Scariest Dudes in Football

Here are my top six scariest guys in the NFL.

CLAY MATTHEWS

Talk about a beast! I don't think I could pick up one of his humongous arms with both of mine. And his warrior stance/ battle cry after a sack is so thoroughly terrifying that I have to fight the urge to shout uncle and surrender my troops even though I don't have any. He's like the Barbie version of the Incredible Hulk. Scary, but strangely beautiful too. If there was even the possibility of there being a sequel to the movie 300, he would totally be in it, and unlike Gerard Butler I don't think he'd need the other 299 guys or have to do much acting.

JAMES HARRISON

It's his eyes. He's like Medusa and car headlights all rolled into one. Just a glance and you are too terrified to move. Your blood turns to ice and the little hairs on the back of your neck stand up and your brain starts screaming "Hide!Hide!" but you can't because your feet have turned to stone and you are rooted to the spot. And that's just how he makes me feel when he's on TV.


NDAMUKONG SUH

Here.

Not here.

This guy is tough, possibly the toughest in the NFL, and boy oh boy can he be scary! When hes lined up on the line of scrimmage just the slightest furrow of his brow is threatening enough to make me want to roll over, fall off the couch in my living room, and play possum. I've seen him throw a couple punches too, and I'd rather hit my head against a brick wall than be on the receiving end of his wrath. But then when he smiles it's like looking at a different person, and you have to fight the urge to give him a big ol smacker right on the cheek (as the seal above has demonstrated). He's like Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde, and you never know what you will get. One minute he's a prize fighter, the next a giant cuddle bug (don't tell him I said that or he might punch me).


TAKEO SPIKES

Even when he smiles, he scares me. Some guys just ooze toughness, and he is one of them. I bet he's looked mean since the day he was born. He was probably the only baby in history who could make a little blue cap and diaper look badass. And he is such a beast on the field! I wince when I see him line up for a play.


TAKEO SPIKES NECK
Normally I would include a person's neck along with the rest of their body, but in this case I feel compelled to make an exception for several reasons. 1.) It's size. I think it's actually bigger than his head. It probably weighs in somewhere between a decent sized sixth grader and a petite woman, and therefore I believe it should be treated as a separate person.
2.) His neck doesn't need the rest of his body to strike fear into your heart. Just one look at it sitting there doing nothing, and I am terrified into awe.
3.) His neck makes him the singular player that is almost more terrifying from the back. You see him  on the field with a helmet on and you think "Hey why is that guy wearing an inner tuber around his...wait...OH MY GOD THAT'S HIS NECK!!"


BRETT KEISEL

To be honest it's not so much him that I find scary, as it is his last years Super Bowl beard. I could barely tell there was a face under there. He had to bobby pin his mustache to his sideburns just to take a sip of Gatoraide.  For all I know he's a robot covered in hair. It's that hard to tell. The Secret Garden, or Jimmy Hoffa could be lurking in there somewhere, and we'll never know. And when he stuffs his beard into his chin guard that looks like a pair of tighty whities, and the hair sticks out everywhere well....let's just say the mental image is enough to make me turn tail and run. I would rather be humiliated on television in front of the world than be within tickling distance of that beard.