Birthday Thoughts

This birthday present was given to me on our camping trip.
 It is wrapped in a Smart Wool hiking sock (that I did not get to keep)
and decorated with a stick and a pine cone to make it
more festive;) 

Another birthday has come and gone for me. Yesterday marked the 33rd time I "officially" became another year older.
I can't say that I am enthusiastic about aging, and there are certainly times when I feel sort of terrified by the fact that I can't stop it, but I think for the most part I have accepted it as part of life. Like the saying "it's not a party if it happens every night"  maybe life would not really feel worth living if it went on forever.....(I don't really agree with that, but maybe it's true;) Anyway now, suddenly, abruptly, in the blink of an I here I am...thirty-three years old. I feel weird writing that, and I feel even more weird knowing that it's true! I still feel...younger. Of course it's all mental, since EVERY DAY I get older, but...well, we all have birthdays so I am sure you know what I mean.
But still I go through a whole "process" every year, as I have since I was 18 years old. It's my way of...I don't know what...putting my life in perspective, and acknowledging my own mortality I guess, and what life is all about to me. It goes through four steps (more or less). I will attempt to go through them with you as they occur in real life;) Here we go!

MOURNING:
Ha ha, what a way to start the festivities hu? Unlike many young people I was actually quite happy to be 18 when I was 18, and 19 when I was 19 and so on. While I was in a rush to do a lot of things, I was never in a rush to "grow up". In fact for the most part I have always felt a little more like a kid at heart. So I feel a little sad when my birthday comes around because I am forced to give up a  (in a way) the person I have been over the past year (Old Me), in favor of a New Me that I will become this year.
When I was younger and slightly more dramatic I'd imagine it like the 18 year Old Me was dying and I had to say goodbye. That turned out to be pretty depressing, so I try not to be as much of a drama queen about it these days;) Ha ha...
And so usually the first stage in my birthday ritual, is to feel kind of sad to have to say goodbye the (in this case) 32 year old me. I think about all the great things I experienced, and the year as a whole, and the people and thoughts that shaped it. I think about how much I will miss certain things, even though it's silly and  my birthday is only one more day really in the string of my life. It's usually the couple days before my birthday when this happens. When I have not yet turned another year older, and I still have a couple days left to feel like life is fleeting and I am helpless against time...What? I said I was only slightly less dramatic now;)

ANTICIPATION:
After I am done saying goodbye to Old Me, I then take time to wonder about the New Me. Who will I become this year? What experiences will I have, what would I like to achieve? What lessons did I learn from Old Me that can I utilize to improve my life? What positive changes do I want to make? How will I make them? This is a pretty refreshing feeling, like spring cleaning, and usually happens the day or so before my birthday. I feel optimistic and motivated to do and be better. In this light my birthday feels like a fresh start. If there is something I didn't like about myself, or my life last year, then I can change it. I can be whoever I want to be, and I I feel sort of invigorated to do it. I am no longer at the end of 32, but before the very beginning of 33! It's like the day or so before a big trip when you are excited and preparing and you still have the whole adventure in front of you. I find it empowering to take the time to look ahead purposefully and think about who I want to be, and set goals to achieve it. (This is also when I admit to myself that my perspective of "a year gone by" is over dramatic, and really it's every day that goes by, and so in truth I am still pretty much the same person I've been for the last 12 months: not too grown up, enjoying life, and still not sold on a five day work week;) Wheeew! All the important stuff has remained intact! Sweet.)

CELEBRATION:
The last few years I have made specific plans for my birthday (usually hiking in the mountains) and I find that this is AWESOME! (I absolutely recommend it.) I actually look forward to my birthday then, because it's a day when I get to do whatever I want and it's all about ME! And I usually pick something that no one would do with me otherwise, because I'm sneaky like that;) Like go on a god-awful hike up a mountain, or sleep on a pile of pine cones in the middle of the woods!  It's my first day being New Me, and my birthday plans are my first chance to take action, and step out with the right foot forward. It's a time for celebration!
Plus I am the center of attention, and people call or write to wish me a happy birthday, so how could I not enjoy that? I am out somewhere doing something I really want to, with my friends/family around me. And I get cards, and flowers and little suprises all over the place! I get taken out to dinner or coffee, or treated for dessert or a beer (or both!). People tell me how much they love me. It's great. I really focus on enjoying myself (ha ha I know it sounds selfish, but in truth, it is really quite satisfying, and I think everyone should do it!) and the attention, and getting to do exactly what I want even if no one else feels like it! It's just fun being the "special one". Unlike Christmas, where everyone get's presents, on my birthday they all go to me! Hip Hip horray!
Speaking of the holiday it is also a fitting coincidence that my birthday is exactly half way till Christmas! That makes me very happy. So I celebrate that too;) Six months till Christmas!!!! YAAAAY!

APPRECIATION
Finally, and this is usually happens right before I go to bed after my birthday, or maybe even in the couple days following, but I feel an overwhelming appreciation for...well, everything. For the Old Me, for the New Me, for the fact that I even have a life at all. For the fact that I have survived 33 years on planet earth, that I have so many wonderful friends and family, who say so many nice things about me in their cards and emails, that I got so many wonderful presents...Ha ha!
But seriously, I just feel really lucky to be me, to have lived the life I have, and to have the rest of my life (however long it is) to look forward to. I am grateful for the opportunity to reflect on my past, enjoy my present (and the presents!), and prepare for my future. I think to myself maybe getting another year older is a price I'll always be willing to pay for the life I've lived and person I am.

And then my birthday is over...until next year;)